FIGHTING ON FOR LIFE
SU'A CRAVENS
Growing up, I was always a die-hard USC fan, so there wasn't anything that “needed to happen” for me to want to come to SC. It was something I was born with. Looking back on how I was recruited, it's obvious the whole staff knew that USC was the only choice for me. Up until age six, I grew up in a home out in L.A. where we literally could hear the Trojan Marching Band playing before games. I had family members that were just diehard SC fans, it kind of became a religion in my family.
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It kind of became a religion in my family.
My parents prepared me for this my whole life. They showed me what it means to make sacrifices. When I was 14, I was living with a whole other family just so I could transfer to a better football school. After middle school, it felt like “You're no longer a kid anymore. This is the plan. You're going to live here, you're going to train this amount of days, you're going to work out this amount of days. You're playing football. You're going to graduate early. And that's that.” I was already familiar with the mindset of getting the job done, but this was stepping it up so that I could actually achieve my goals for the future. When I got to SC, I was familiar with the expectations that they had, but living up to them was a completely different thing. It was finally real.
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I was 17 my first seven months at USC, and at that age, it’s difficult to adequately prepare for what is coming next. I had teammates that were 25 and 26 around me– completely grown men. Witnessing their dedication and being surrounded by the maturity of these guys encouraged me to carry myself differently, put my head down, and step my game up. I was a kid, but I also knew I had finally made it to where I was meant to be.
I didn't come to SC to make friends. I came to follow my dreams, so I got labeled as cocky because I had to carry myself with oozing confidence so that they couldn't see I was actually a scared seventeen-year-old kid trying to fit in.
Eventually throughout my time at USC, I grew from the nervous new kid to a projected first-round pick and captain of my team. I was a leader, and everybody was looking forward to the upcoming season. All of my goals were ahead of me, and all of the dreams that I wrote down as a kid were coming true, but I was not not happy on the inside.
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All of my goals were ahead of me, and all of the dreams that I wrote down as a kid were coming true, but I was not not happy on the inside.
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I found myself so immersed in wanting to be this great football guy and this great figure for kids to look up to and I felt like I had to live up to this expectation, but I wasn't taking care of Su’a. I wasn't taking care of the person that I was beyond the field. Football was something I did, not who I was. I lost my identity a little bit.
We had stretches where it wasn't the season and it was just training. It was just being with who you were, and I struggled with that. With so much of my identity being tied to the gridiron, it felt overwhelming to try to figure out who I was without it. It got to a point where I attempted to take my own life. USC was there for me, sent me all the support that I needed and set me up with counselors and therapists to educate me on what I was going through. I was diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety disorders. I had things that you don't necessarily talk about as a man, especially around your peers.
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I had things that you don't necessarily talk about as a man, especially around your peers.
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I tried to be tough and be a superhero in front of everybody.
Mental health isn't something that you want to let somebody know that you're going through because they'll look at you like you're crazy. They'll look at you like you're folding under pressure or like you can't handle it. I never wanted to be looked at as somebody that was a weak link. Some of my toughest times were during some of my greatest moments on the football field– where you’d see a guy smiling and think that he must be on top of the world. But when I got home, things got dark and I was alone. I felt alone.
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Some of my toughest times were during some of my greatest moments on the football field– where you’d see a guy smiling and think that he must be on top of the world. But when I got home, things got dark and I was alone. I felt alone.
Mental health wasn't something that I really took seriously until USC set me up with connections and the people I needed to speak with. I quickly found out that this is something that doesn't get better by ignoring it. You have to work on it, day in and day out. Find a place of happiness and protect your peace. I'm thankful for USC because I don't think I'd be alive right now if it wasn't for them.
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You have to work on it, day in and day out. Find a place of happiness and protect your peace. I'm thankful for USC because I don't think I'd be alive right now if it wasn't for them.
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When I played in the NFL for the Redskins, I suffered a very severe concussion, and I felt those terrible feelings of depression and anxiety take over tenfold. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t find happiness no matter how hard I tried. I went to the Redskins maybe four or five different times throughout two years, saying, “I need help. I'm struggling. I don't feel okay. I don't feel normal. I don't feel like myself. I feel like something bad is going to happen.” I was begging for help.
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Multiple times I was just shrugged off. “It's just the pressure getting to you.” “You'll be alright.” “Shake it off kid, be a pro.”
“Shake it off kid, be a pro.”
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Those were the things that I was told. They basically said I was faking it. They wanted to kick me out of the NFL, strip me of my health insurance and tell the world that I was faking it. Imagine somebody who has anxiety, bipolar and other mental health challenges hearing that everything they had worked for their whole life would be ignored– they would just look at you, call you a quitter, turn their back on you and then paint that image for the world to see. It kind of broke my heart because it was like that little kid on the inside that did everything to get here, it was all just snatched away from me.
I have tried to just numb myself and just not feel things anymore. I've tried to take my life three or four times. I'm not sure how I've made it to this point, but obviously I'm supposed to be here. Instead of me feeling sorry for myself and continuously giving the enemy what he wants, I learned to take this as an opportunity to be a beacon of light for those who are going through the same things. If I can be the difference for another person, maybe they can be the difference for the next and the next. That's the reason why suicidal thoughts don’t cross my mind anymore, because I'm aware of my mental health status and that it is forever wavering and changing, but it's up to me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
When I got the news that I was going to be a father, it changed my life. When I had my daughter, that's all I needed. It gave me a boost of life and energy for me to want to see the next day and to want to make it to milestones a year from now, ten years from now, and live for that. I was no longer living for myself. I was living for my baby because she needs me, and that motivation has changed me. It's gotten me to the place I'm in now where I have opportunities coming out of nowhere even though, at a certain point, I had nothing.
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I was living for my baby because she needs me, and that motivation has changed me. It's gotten me to the place I'm in now where I have opportunities coming out of nowhere even though, at a certain point, I had nothing.
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To anybody seeing this, I want you to read it and see me. I don't know what you know about me or have heard about me, but it doesn't matter if you're the number one player in the nation, or a college star or an NFL Draft pick; it doesn't matter. None of that stuff matters. All that matters is that you're happy.
All that matters is that you're happy.
Photo courtesy of calhisports.com
Photo courtesy of Su'a Cravens
Photo courtesy of Su'a Cravens
Photo courtesy of Su'a Cravens
Photo courtesy of Su'a Cravens
Photo courtesy of Su'a Cravens